“Shit, you think that was crazy? Look, yesterday I was some broads bodyguard for Black Friday.”
“What’s that, some new terrorist group?”
“Goddamn, Joe, knock off that ‘I don’t watch TV’ shit. Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving sales you dumb fuck.” Joe mumbled something and busied himself with his beer.
“Did she have a nice rack,” Paul asked.
“What, were they big?”
“Big, little, just…nice. All boobs are created equal, man. It’s in the constitution or something.”
“The consti…goddamn, Paul. Do you ever think of anything then tits?”
“Sure. Pussy.”
“Oy vey,” Landon said. “I’m going to get another pitcher. Can the comedy acts, eh?” The men at the table looked at each other and shrugged. Landon had always been a little different.
“So what about this gig,” Paul asked when Landon came back with the pitcher of beer.
“Like I said, it was this broad wanted to hit the sales. And yes she did have a nice rack actually. And no I didn’t hit it.”
Joe picked up the pitcher and started pouring. “So what the fuck was it?”
“People go bat shit crazy at these sales. Knock people over, yank stuff out of their hands, just fucking nuts. I guess she’d got hurt last year and didn’t want it to happen again. Thought a big scary dude might help. And if there was a need for a little violence, well I had that covered too.”
“Surrounded by crazed housewives? I’d only shoot myself.”
“It’s called restraint, Paul. So I pick her up and head out to the stores. It’s not even daylight and fuckers are lined up outside the doors like their giving out free blowjobs. And no they weren’t, Paul.”
He paused for a drink. “So we finally get in and she’s pushing the cart while I walk beside her looking menacing. And there’s all this shit on sale. Twenty dollar microwaves, dollar DVDs, all that shitty crap. She musta been studying the ads cause the lady had a list and knew exactly what she wanted. Microwave, blender, Xbox. I’m stomping alongside her and people eying me like I’m a fucking alien. We get back to electronics, last thing on the fucking list and there’s only one. I got my hand on it and some bitch snatches it away.”
“So what happened?”
“I popped her. You know I can’t handle fucking rude behaviour. Now who is going to chip in to help me with the fine?”